How am I supposed to know what I’m supposed to be? Why would God give me such a strong passion for something if I’m not supposed to pursue it? I had it all figured out: double degree in Biology and Public Health with a minor in Global Health. I was going to work for an NGO and commit myself for a few years in a developing country. Then come back and create community programs and teach health to a local community. Or I would work in a hospital in the public health department. Heck, I could even plan weddings and be an event planner as a side job.
But apparently the profession I want to enter into is not practical or concrete or even useful. It’s ideological and impractical and a waste of time. But no, that’s not supposed to discourage me from wanting travel down that path, only to encourage me to pair something along with it. And to focus more on the “along” profession than what I’m actually interested in. The only problem is, I’m not good enough to be in anything any more concrete. General Biology is already a struggle for me and I don’t even know if I can get through that. I don’t have the capacity to be any sort of engineer or real scientist. I don’t have the passion to only be a teacher. Honestly, I can’t follow in everything Tiff’s already done. I hope she knows she’s lucky. She’s easily content and comfortable with how things are going for her. I am never content and always want more. I recognize this and sometimes I hate it, its’ frustrating because I wish I could just be content with where I am in life. I wish I could be content living under the shadow of my parents, of my sister. I wish I could be content with a simple, respectable job. I could be but I know I wouldn’t be. I’m supposed to have these skills so I can use them to be “practical in my career”. But I honestly don’t have any skills. I’m not good at anything useful. I can plan events; I can decorate; I can make crafts; I can play with dogs and babysit children. Anything beyond that, I’m not good enough. I guess this post just reiterates how lost I am at the moment.
All these random people that are my age, some of whom I’m known for quite some time, are getting engaged to be married. How do they know that’s who they’re supposed to be with? How do they know that they’ve met their “one”. Why are people so sure about their futures? I’m afraid I’m never going to find that person even though I know God has everything planned but I don’t really trust that or else I wouldn’t be worrying. How do you know you’ve met everyone you’re supposed ot have met already and that there’s no one out there better for you?
And it’s even harder because a part of me knows I’m going to have to either give up AACF completely in the future or learn to be okay with not being an active participant. Right now, the only consistent friend group I have is in aacf and I need it. Sadly, my best friends have never been from my home church. For a time being, I thought I had potential in one but turns out, she’s not the support I need in my life right now. I need consistency in support and I just don’t have that. So I turn somewhere else where I can share freely and openly. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that either because I could never leave SCA. I don’t want to leave SCA but I feel like I need time for myself to learn to grow, breathe, and step away from everything I know already for awhile. This is why I wanted to go away fro school. I had been ready to leave and figure things out for myself. Make my own mistakes and learn from them without everyone from home breathing down my neck. Slowly, I am staring to wear out from the pressure I feel from myself, my parents, my surroundings. I can’t live up the expectations that are before me and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that.
Something has to change.